Every event in this contest will involve The Moby, a 3 foot long dildo that weighs 56 pounds! eXtreme Restraints, a fine purveyor of sex toys and kinky gear for over 20 years, was generous enough to sponsor our contest with an additional Moby so we will have two for the contest!  You can find all of their excellent products at their website (18+ only):  https://www.extremerestraints.com/

Here's a picture of a normal sized dude holding one for reference: https://drive.google.com/file/d/1fYMGO7gfzmST3dm8y1p1XKkOYqs_rnu1/view?usp=share_link

Here's a picture of me holding one (I'm 5'8" and roughly 320lbs):  https://drive.google.com/file/d/1CgwZjp-vzCjodFiwSIriITX3S0IJgk2z/view?usp=share_link  

Finally, here it is next to my 12" steel log:  https://drive.google.com/file/d/13aYb_Q9gBO-biIrCryzzBDTjmarUAL6v/view?usp=share_link

Yes, this is 100% real.  This is a crazy sport with crazy people and this just seemed way too epic for me not to make it happen. Obviously, this is not exactly a kid friendly event, unless you're cool with your child being exposed to giant rubber dicks flying through the air, etc., in which case, it's all good.

How does someone even think of a contest like this? I'm glad you asked. A friend sent me a video of a senior prank where they glued one of these things to the floor and covered it in oil.  It was absolutely epic.  Video here - not the same one I was sent, but you'll get the idea (sign in required for age verification): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qPqGBq4cR-4  Anyway, around the same time I saw this video, the Strongest Woman in the World contest was being held up in Alaska and they had a salmon toss  event involving a 50 pound rubber salmon.  Me being me, my mind immediately made the connection between the salmon and the giant rubber schlong.  Thus, the craziest strongman contest in history was born.  Just took me a couple of years to round out the slate of events and find a venue willing to host it.   

Facebook Event Page:  https://www.facebook.com/events/3264232900508371

Given my history of getting banned on Facebook, I will probably post most updates to this page in addition to posting there.  

International folks (or folks who just want to be different):  You can pay me through venmo (@Chris-Vachio) or Cash App ($ChrisVachio). I'll need your email address, division, and shirt size so I can put you on the list manually.  

HOTEL INFORMATION: Your best bet for hotels is to search near Wright State University. There are several hotels to choose from (along with a lot of restaurants) and it's about 10 minutes from the venue. 

Be sure to support our sponsors! 

eXtreme Restraints - 

  Website:  https://www.extremerestraints.com/

  Twitter: @XrRestraints

  Instagram:  @xrestraints

Elysium Strength - 

  Website: https://www.elysiumstrength.com/   

  Instagram:  @elysium_productofpain_ 

  Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100064124708023

Burlesque Bakery Shoppe - 

  Facebook:  https://www.facebook.com/BurlesqueBakery/

  Instagram:  @burlesquebakery 

FOR ALL EVENTS: No tacky. Nobody likes a sticky dick.  No straps.  Sleeves, wraps, gloves, belts, grip shirts are all allowed.  We plan to run two lanes for every event except for the Weenie Waddle. I only have one husafel stone that's been modified to accommodate a giant dildo. Of course, we'll have to break from that for anyone brave enough to attempt the double pecker press. 

Event #1: Tallywhacker Toss - Each athlete will have three attempts to throw the Moby as far as possible.  Any non-spinning technique will be allowed.  Backwards, forwards, chest pass, all fine.  You may hold it by the head, the balls, the shaft...whatever you want.  You may take a running start up to the line before you throw.  Why no spinning? There are windows surrounding the field of play and a fence.  The last thing I want is the venue owners having to replace one or more windows because a giant rubber dick flew through it.  Also have no desire to jack a 6 foot fence to retrieve a lost dildo.  Lastly, I'd hate for a random spectator to have to explain to the paramedics that they were injured by a flying dick.  Look at the pic above...this thing has some girth and will be challenging to grip. Here's an artist's rendering of how the throw might look in action:  https://drive.google.com/file/d/1KGt552ltflacwNwBNcJmyxkN2wkLLkOy/view?usp=share_link 

Event #2: Pecker Press - This is going to be a ladder rule type of event. There are 5 different positions from which you may press, one press at a more difficult style press beats any number of reps at an easier style.  The positions are: Two hands, dong facing down, cupping the balls; Two hands, dong pointing up; One hand, behind the back, cupping the balls; One hand, monster bell style; One hand, dong pointing up. So, Joan and Angie are competing. Joan does 10 reps with the dong down cupping the balls with both hands, Angie does one rep two handed pressing the dong pointing up, Angie wins. 60 seconds, most reps at the hardest difficulty wins. Typical pressing accessories are allowed. NOTE: there is no bonus for doing extra reps at a lower level of difficulty. If you hit a rep at position 2 and then hit 10 reps at position 1, only the position 2 reps are going to count. 

BONUS! Now that we have two Moby dildos to use, there is a 6th option - press both dildos at the same time, one in each hand. You will need to declare your intent to try this one before your time starts as we'll need to borrow the Moby from the other lane. This will trump any other style of press, if you're successful. Honestly, just getting both of them shouldered without assistance will be a feat unto itself.  

Here's a picture with all the starting positions: https://drive.google.com/file/d/1bLAHFSjJGT-EzIgNjvHbvRdziqsvLbyG/view?usp=share_link

Event #3: Dong Drag - Carry two items to a sled (sandbags and/or kegs - TBD) from the finish line to a sled and place them on the sled.  The Moby will be strapped to the sled, grab it with both hands (although anyone capable of using only one hand is more than welcome to try) and backwards drag the sled over the finish line.  Course will be 40-50 feet.  60 second limit.  Best time or best distance wins.  EDIT: Backwards dragging was horribly ineffective. Dragging will be done more duck walk style. Hug the dong to your chest while it's strapped to the sled and drag away.  All the weights listed are "ish", may only be one implement carried before the drag. 

Event #4: The Glory Hold - Two-handed front hold for max time.  Standard front hold rules apply.  We'll have you hold it over a box, as soon as the base hits the box after being lifted, time will be taken.  Isn't 50 pounds kinda heavy for the women? Yes, it is.  Unfortunately, this was the lightest 3 foot dildo I could find.  One size fits all...   Here's an artists rendering of how this event might look in action:  https://drive.google.com/file/d/1LzaiLfRdw8U-B-8tGB-X_W3AYEtkSrgL/view?usp=share_link

Event #5: Weenie Waddle - Husafel carry for 60 feet with a turn at 30 feet, 60 second time limit.  The Moby will make up the last 50 pounds of each weight.  That's why 215 is the lightest weight - Husa = 165lbs, Moby = 50.  It "should" fit into to the top of my Husafel stone and will be placed "head up".  Might have to lube it up or spit on it first to get it into the husa.  If it won't fit, we'll gorilla tape it to the front.  Regardless, there will be a giant peen sticking up in your line of sight the whole time (and this is why I put a turn in the event...because...evil). Might have to bob and weave a little with that thing flopping around.  Athlete must cross the finish line along with the implement.  Best time or best distance wins.  EDIT: after I got the dildo, I discovered it will not fit into the stone "head up", it will be "balls up". Athlete may choose to lift with the balls facing away or with the balls right in their grill.  Here's a video of me fighting to dislodge the thing after I got it into my husa (age verification required): https://youtu.be/CS9rQcyZ3lQ

Event #6: Bean over the Frank - The Moby will be strapped to the crossbar of a yoke.  You must then load an atlas stone (aka "the bean") over the Frank for max reps in 60 seconds.  Try not to dislodge the Moby.  Tacky towels and spray tacky will be allowed.  Loading height will be roughly 48 inches. 

Tie-breaker Event:  Docking Duel - MAS wresting using the giant dildo.  If you're not familiar with MAS wrestling, it's basically tug-of-war with a stick. We'll just be using a 3 foot long rubber penis as the stick.  Best of 3 wins.  Will have to do some testing on this one as I'm not certain we'll be able to do it horizontally as with MAS.  It's very possible instead of choosing "inside or outside", you'll have to choose "Head or Balls".  Will update later after we get some testing done.  EDIT: Horizontal actually works best. There's not much inside/outside so we'll just have people overlap hands and pull away.  

Weigh-Ins: Planning on the morning of the contest at the venue from 9am to 10:30am.  This is a fun, goofy, off the wall contest that's unsanctioned, so please don't do a crazy water cut or anything.  I'm not going to be super duper strict on the weigh-ins.  

Awards: They will be appropriately contest themed for the top 3 placers.  :)